Sleeping with Grandparents (Part 1)

"J, tonight sleep in Ah Ma's room, ok?"......"No" came his resounding reply.

Despite his protest and tears, I have to start moving J to his grandparent's room in preparation for M's arrival in end March. Otherwise, how am I to cope with a 2 yrs old who still wakes up and expect me to cuddle him and a newborn? Things might be easier if K is at home more often.

After washing up for J, my helper took him to his grandparent's room which is just beside mine. I can hear his cries after the door is closed. The only way I can resist barging into the room and retrieving J back was to hide in the home office down the hall.

I started a video call with K, who is currently in Japan, and reported to him on every progress. After 5 mins, I walked to J's grandparents room and strain my ears to hear the activities going on. After a while of protesting and crying, there was silence. "Good, he must have fallen asleep." I thought to myself and went back to MSN with K.

I told K that I felt very guilty about moving J out and wonder if J would feel rejected by me. K tried to console me by saying that he is a big boy now. However, to me, J is forever my baby, no matter how old he is. And on that note, I started sobbing. K casually mentioned that our son is only sleeping in another room and has not ran away from home. It does sound funny and logical but I was not in the mood.

It has been a while but my helper has not appear thus I sneaked up again. I must have done so a few times. Finally, my helper emerge from the room and announce that J is asleep.

I dried my eyes quickly and retreated to my room and continue to cry my heart out.

I can only commit my emotions to the Lord and the well-being of my son to Him too.

Why do I find it so hard to let go? I wish I have an easy answer. Since conception till 22 months, J has been sleeping in our room with me. Every night, I can hear his breathing, I can snuggle up to him, I can hear him mumble "Mummy, mummy" in his sleep, I can enjoy his demands of wanting a hug in the middle of the night....and so much more.

But now, though he is just a room away but it felt like a million miles away.

If I had an option, I would like to keep him next to me for the rest of his life. But I know it won't be possible as there will be many more of such "separations" to come when he goes to college; moves out to live on his own or when he gets married. But for now, all I want to do is to dash into the other room to retrieve him whenver I hear his slurring through the baby monitor so that I can have my baby in my arms again.