As of today, I have officially ended my "pregnancy". I have fulfilled the minimum requirement of bfing M. I think I have come a long way and give myself a pat on the shoulder. You will understand my heart beat only if you have BF your baby. Sorry Dads, but you will never be able to comprehend the strong bond a mother develops out of bfing her baby.
The experience of bfing J and M are totally different; just as their characters are totally different.For J, it was a rocky start as it was the 1st time for me and I had some breast complications. In the 1st month, I was still not producing enough milk so I faced some family pressure to give him formula milk instead and give up bfing. However, I was very determined to fully breastfeed J so I worked very hard to increase my supplement. Every 3 hours, I was either latching him on or expressing the milk. Even at night, I will wake up even at 2 am and 5 am to express. By the 6 weeks, I am able to catch up with J’s demand of 180ml (6oz).
During these 6 weeks, I suffered from engorgement and blocked milk ducts. I visited the lactation consultant several times to treat the block ducts. Every session was filled with tears and pains as the LC firmly massage the blocked lump away. I had to sneak glances at J whom I always bring along to such session in order to draw strength.
By the end of 8 weeks, J and I have worked out the kinks and have established a routine pattern. I vividly recall having letdown the minute I think of him. Every night after washing up, he will definitely latch on to sleep. There was once my helper held him after washing up and he turned to look at my breasts. I swear that was a twinkle in his eyes.
J was a professional sucker by the 3rd month. He refused to drink from the bottle when my 3 months maternity was up and I had to get back to work. It took almost 1 week to coax him to acept it. I would still latch him on whenever times permit and after work. I always look forward to the time spend together when he latches onto my breast. I would stroke his cheeks while he stares intensely at me when suckling away. Recalling that those moments still brings a lump to my throat.
By the 7th month, my milk supply was declining and being more active by then, he is reluctant to stay still for his milk. It was painful to let go of the bf experience but J and I shared this special time for 9 months and 13 days.
As for M, it is a totally different ballgame. When I was pregnant, I was looking forward to beating J’s record of 9 months 13 days.
M was a very strong sucker but was an impatient one too. It took 7 days for my milk to kick in and by then, he was slightly accustomed to the bottle. He also has a stronger temperament and has a preference for one of the breasts. Coupled with disturbances from J whenever I latch M on, I yielded to the bottle much easily because I thought it should be easy to re-latch M when J gets over the jealousy period of having a new brother.
By the time all these disturbances settled down, 2 months has passed and M has started to show a strong preference for the bottle and refuse the breast. I was quite disturbed by it but being 2nd time mother, I know there is more to motherhood than breastfeeding, thus I did request for medication to stop lactation but lack the courage to pop the pills. (I am glad I did not because M has a suspected case of UTI. Thank God it was a wrong diagnose but if it had been true, I would have blamed myself profusely because exclusive bfing for 7 months would help to prevent recurrence of infection).
I had to return to work by the 3rd month, so it might not be a bad idea to just go with the flow and use the bottle so that M does not goes through a transition. Initially, he would still latch onto his favorite breast but by the time he turned 4.5months old, he has even rejected that and would only drink from the bottle. There goes the hope of beating J’s record.
From then onwards, I have been expressing for him and have done so for 1.5 months. It is definitely more troublesome as I need to plan my time around the expressing schedule. When I see other mothers latching on, I would yearn for that intimacy (lump in my throat again), I make up for it by giving him the bottle at night so that I can cuddle him in my arms and watch his angelic face fast asleep (he won’t take the bottle from me if he is awake as he is used to my helper feeding him)
Now that 6 months is up, will I give up? The answer is “no”. I will continue to do it as long as I have milk. Why? Because I am addicted to love.
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